Perfectionism in an imperfect world?

How often have you spent hours shopping to find that perfect dress but were disappointed? How often have you procrastinated over a report to submit it perfectly but you missed the deadline? How often have you looked at your family pictures and criticized it for not being perfect?

 On 21st August 2020 a news that caught the eyes of many and that began to be circulated in social media was about a lady who sought divorce from her 'perfect' husband.......

Can a person be perfect? Can a relationship be perfect? Can an organization be perfect?Can a house be maintained perfectly? Can an event be conducted perfectly? The answer to all the above is NO. When the earth itself does not have a perfect shape and is of an unusual shape called oblate spheroid, how and why should anything else be perfect?? 

The effort taken by any person before uploading a picture on social media is the best sign to watch out for to determine where one is on the perfectionist scale.

Perfectionism is a cognitive behavioral process where the ultimate objective is to avoid shame, blame and judgement by self and others. Perfectionists always indulge in critical self evaluation and overthink regarding other's evaluations and push themselves towards achieving unrealistic goals, procrastinate, fear failure and focus only on the results and not the journey. 

Perfectionism could be self oriented, socially prescribed or other oriented. Self oriented perfectionists impose unrealistic targets for themselves; socially prescribed perfectionism involves perceiving unrealistic expectation of perfection from others, for example when a student puts pressure on self assuming that his/her teacher expects thus from him/her; Other oriented perfectionism means imposing unrealistic standards of perfectionism on others and the best example is parents exerting undue pressure on their children to be perfect or bosses expecting unrealistic task completion from their subordinates.

It is true that we all have some degree of perfectionism in us in some area or the other. Normal perfectionism that does not cause any stress, or does not prove detrimental to our inter- personal relationships is acceptable. But, we all must be on the look out for signals to understand when our perfectionism is ruining our mental health and our relationships too. The moment we identify such signals we must begin taking action immediately and the easiest thing to do is 'Let Go'.

Believe me, identifying signals and striving to improve ourselves is more than half the battle won. From personal experience I share that continuous reading on topics in Psychology, keen observation of people around me and of course learning from my family has ensured I do not turn into a neurotic perfectionist when I could have become one. I have realized that the only thing I must strive to control is my mind and nothing else. Trying to control situations and others even if it is my children and their dreams is the greatest inanity.

Being a perfectionist parent leads to burnout. We miss out on enjoying their childhood and adolescent years by constantly pushing them towards better grades, ensuring that they are selected in the sports team or dance troupe, they are perfectly and neatly dressed every time and they exhibit admirable manners in all social situations. Gosh....is that not too much??? Once they get their wings and fly we will regret having been too harsh on them but it would be too late. A child must be well fed, clothed and educated, not necessarily being provided the best. Children must be most importantly given good values of being a good human being. Rest the child will fulfil as they  grow up and are in the world all by themselves. Transferring our unfulfilled ambitions onto our children is the biggest parenting mistake we could make. 

Thomas Curran, a researcher warns that by 2050, 1 in 3 people of the world will be clinically affected by socially prescribed perfectionism. Several research studies have concluded that there is an increase in the number of perfectionists over generations across all cultures. Youngsters across the world are pressurizing themselves excessively towards bigger unrealistic achievements career wise, trying to get the best sculpted body and the perfect relationship with parents, and everyone else. Such expectations not being met leads to increasing mental health issues. Once affected by mental health problems, a person realizes their mistake of chasing only unrealistic dreams and not living life. There are several celebrities who have declared in public platforms about how they have suffered mental health problems due to they being over ambitious and unrealistic. A human being cannot and should not stretch themselves till they break. So, all youngsters my advice to you is dream, strive to achieve but enjoy the journey and not focus only on the goals.

In life we all have to live with imperfections everywhere. Let us accept it well. Expecting everything to be perfect is itself imperfect. So, check yourself today for where you fall on the perfectionist scale and if you are on the wrong side wake up and take necessary measures. Restrain yourself from complimenting someone as a perfectionist, being a perfectionist is not a compliment but the journey towards bigger mental health problems in future.

Journey of life is not meant to be feared and planned; it is meant to be travelled and enjoyed.